Har-Dee-Har

This
frustrated wife buys a pair of crutchless knickers in an attempt to
spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short
skirt and sits on the lounge settee
opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she crosses her
legs ... enough times till her
husband says...

"Are you wearing crutchless
knickers?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a
seductive smile.
"Thank Christ for that... I
thought the stuffing was coming out of the lounge......

There we go. Just gotta look Luke. Ok now I need some air cause my gut's hurting from those, you asshole.

haha

AUSTRALIAN
BRICKLAYER'S REPORT

Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This
is a bricklayer's
accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of
the Australian
equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. Poor guy!


This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award
for sure.......

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to
your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report
form. I put "poor planning" as the cause
of my accident. You asked for a
fuller explanation and I trust the
following details will be
sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I
was working
alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed
my work,
I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later
were
found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry
the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a
barrel by using a
pulley, which was attached to the side of the building
on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof,
swung the barrel out and
loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and
untied the rope, holding it
tightly to ensure a slow descent of the
bricks.

You will note in
Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135
lbs. Due to my
surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I
lost my presence of
mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to
say, I proceeded at a
rapid rate up the side of the
building.

In the vicinity of the
third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an
equally impressive speed. This explained the
fractured skull, minor
abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed
in section 3 of the accident
report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not
stopping until
the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the
pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was
able
to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience
pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks
hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the
weight
of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer
you
again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid
descent, down the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor,
I met the barrel coming
up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles,
broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower
body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the
barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the
pile
of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were
cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of
bricks, in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of
mind and
let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin
its
journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken
legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

HAHAHAHA CLASSIC !!

Here's a couple for ya. Ever say something that made perfect sense to you, but to everyone else was like :

My Dad was over a his aunt's place a few years ago to do some work on he mobile home. Someone phoned there looking for him right at lunch time. Dad was having hot dogs.

Caller: "Is (Name) there?"

Great Aunt: "He can't come to the phone right now because he has his wiener in the microwave."

Caller: Dead silence for a moment.

Great Aunt: "Oh... Ummmm... I meant he's making hot dogs for lunch"

She never did live that one down, but took it all in stridfe and had a good laugh over it after.

More recently a hilarious brain fart on the part of a Co-Worker (She IS blonde : ) This is the convo tat took place on the 2-way radio. (Me on my truck radio, Co-Worker on a hand held radio. I was the supervisor for the flaggers.)

XXXXX: Fargo?

Me: Yeah?

XXXXX: What are you doing?

Me: I'm in the truck eating my lunch. Why?

XXXXX: Can you come here for a moment?

Me: OK. (Gets out of truck and start making my way over to where she is)

XXXXX: I need to take my clothes off. (At this point there had been truckers and other flagging crews on the channel as well. not now. INSTANT radio silence from everyone else.)

Me: (As I walk up to her)

XXXXX: *small gasp* Did I just say that on the radio?

Me: Yup.

XXXXX: X 1000

Me:

XXXXX: I meant to say that I needed to take my jacket off.... *facepalms*

Me: (I let her go to her truck and take off her jacket and pullover. She goes to the other flagger and tells her what had just happened. The other gal has a good laugh, having heard the whole thing on the radio.)

Fargo_Wolf wrote:

Here's a couple for ya. Ever say something that made perfect sense to you, but to everyone else was like :

My Dad was over a his aunt's place a few years ago to do some work on he mobile home. Someone phoned there looking for him right at lunch time. Dad was having hot dogs.

Caller: "Is (Name) there?"

Great Aunt: "He can't come to the phone right now because he has his wiener in the microwave."

Caller: Dead silence for a moment.

Great Aunt: "Oh... Ummmm... I meant he's making hot dogs for lunch"

She never did live that one down, but took it all in stridfe and had a good laugh over it after.

More recently a hilarious brain fart on the part of a Co-Worker (She IS blonde : ) This is the convo tat took place on the 2-way radio. (Me on my truck radio, Co-Worker on a hand held radio. I was the supervisor for the flaggers.)

XXXXX: Fargo?

Me: Yeah?

XXXXX: What are you doing?

Me: I'm in the truck eating my lunch. Why?

XXXXX: Can you come here for a moment?

Me: OK. (Gets out of truck and start making my way over to where she is)

XXXXX: I need to take my clothes off. (At this point there had been truckers and other flagging crews on the channel as well. not now. INSTANT radio silence from everyone else.)

Me: (As I walk up to her)

XXXXX: *small gasp* Did I just say that on the radio?

Me: Yup.

XXXXX: X 1000

Me:

XXXXX: I meant to say that I needed to take my jacket off.... *facepalms*

Me: (I let her go to her truck and take off her jacket and pullover. She goes to the other flagger and tells her what had just happened. The other gal has a good laugh, having heard the whole thing on the radio.)

*crickets chirp in background*

No jokes from me specifically, but a couple of Glen Foster clips that made me laugh =3

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GnRUPmrIPV8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AzSvSR1HZcU

Do enjoy

Only in BC you say ?

This is way to close to not being a joke!

Only a British Columbian from outside the Lower Mainland can truly appreciate this...

A woman from Vancouver , who was a tree hugger and anti-hunter, purchased
acres of timberland near Parsons. There was a huge tree on one of the highest
points in the tract. She wanted to view the natural splendour of her land and
make sure no hunters were hunting on her land, so she climbed the tree. As she
neared the top, she encountered an endangered spotted owl. It attacked
her! In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground.

The ensuing fall incurred several splinters of wood in her crotch. In
considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 35 minutes away
in Golden. When the doctor asked her how she managed to fill her
wedding tackle with splinters, she told him she was an environmentalist
and anti-hunter and how she came to receive all of the splinters. The
doctor listened to her story with great patience. He then told her to go
into the examining room and he would see if he could help. The
impatient patient sat, and sat, and waited for three hours before the
doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'

He smiled and said, 'Well, I had to get permits from Environment Canada,
BC Forest Service and WorkSafe BC before I could remove old-growth
timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down!'

*gasps as she rolls around on the floor*

Definitely one of the better ones I've heard.

A guy I used to work with, sends me some amusing stuff like this:

Mexican words of the day

1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.

2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I, shoulder.

4. * Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair

10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.

12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

SIPPING VODKA




A new priest
at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.



After
mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.



The monsignor
replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass
of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a
sip."



So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At
the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.



He
proceeded to talk up a storm.



Upon his return to his office after
the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka,
don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12
disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not
constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his
ass

6) We do not refer to Jesus
Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are
not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew
Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was
hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his
ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus
broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my
body." He did not say " Eat me" .

12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary
with the Cherry,.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not:
Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be
a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St.
Taffy's

*drumroll* Now something that IS funny.



Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear."

http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2008-04.html

http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin1995-04.html