Har-Dee-Har

Thought it would be a good place to put up jokes so we can all have a laugh.


This was found posted very low on a refrigerator door:

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and
contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a
claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a
ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to
each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know
that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the
other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If,
by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your
paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through
the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years
- canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:



TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:



(1) They live here. You don't. (2) If you don't want their hair on
your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it
'fur'-niture. (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters
who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they (1) eat
less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6)
don't hang out with drug-using people; (7) don't smoke or drink, (8 )
don't want to wear your clothes, (9) don't have to buy the latest
fashions, (10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and (11) if
they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

That's STILL too f***ing hilarious.

I gave that to my mother and she is still laughing...

The funny thing is...it is SO TRUE!!!

wolf t-shirt

Hopefully I won't get banned on my first post,

but saw the link to this one and it is funny as hell!

(read the comments!)

Must. Have. Wolf. Shirt.

*dies* Hoooly crap that is too damned funny. No offense taken, either. If I could grab it I would and add it to all the other wolfy things I have.

Guts or Balls...

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

What's the definition of frustration?

Jerking off and your hand falls asleep....



What's the definition of relative humidity?

The sweat that has formed on your balls after you got caught screwing your sister-in-law.

SheWolf wrote:

What's the definition of frustration?

Jerking off and your hand falls asleep....



What's the definition of relative humidity?

The sweat that has formed on your balls after you got caught screwing your sister-in-law.

No No No! You women don't get it. You are suposed to sit on your hand until it falls asleep, THEN jerk off.

That way it feels like somebody else is doing it.

Hey, I have no problem playing with someone else...

SheWolf wrote:

What's the definition of frustration?

Jerking off and your hand falls asleep....

HA HA HA HAAa BWWAAHAAHAAAAaa!!!!!

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

Revenue Canada sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to Revenue Canada ."

"To Revenue Canada ?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to Revenue Canada ...And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

Now that's funny... I don't care who you are....

SheWolf wrote:

Revenue Canada sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to Revenue Canada ."

"To Revenue Canada ?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to Revenue Canada ...And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

scottmac wrote:

wolf t-shirt

Hopefully I won't get banned on my first post,

but saw the link to this one and it is funny as hell!

Oh, you like T-shirts, do you? You'll probably like the one that says "Happiness is a bitch with a cock in her mouth".

Of course, it has a picture of a Setter retrieving a cock pheasant... not sure I'd be buying that for the wife or girl friend unless she was seriously into bird dogs...

Hey if that bird is clean, who's complainin'?

SheWolf wrote:

Hey if that bird is clean, who's complainin'?

Are you volunteering?

Like the idea of an electronic collar around your neck?

Do you love to come when somebody blows a whistle?

Tremble all over when somebody rubs your belly?

http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/happiness-is-a-bitch-womens-plus-size-vneck-tsh/337175765

I have volunteered before... Mind you I was young and crazy.

Yes I do have an electronic collar (for my dogs) never worn it myself, but it would fit.

I love to come when someone blows, period.

I tremble all over when I get rubbed, period.

SheWolf wrote:

This was found posted very low on a refrigerator door

Funny what kindsa stuff you can see on fridge doors.....

20 years ago, I was helping a lesbian family member and her partner move house, buncha women and me and another guy.

When it came time to move the fridge, everyone stepped back to let me and the other guy wrestle that damn thing down some steps.

As I was sweating and grunting, a item posted on the fridge came into view - it read "A women without a man is like a fish without a bicycle"

Yeah right, unless there's a fridge that needs movin'

Since the thread started with pet jokes, I submit:

"To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you. . . . They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect."

Beef - It's what's for dinner!!

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and ses this
HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "I
am 7 foot tall, 125 kilo, 20 inch dick, 2 kilo testicles, Turner Brown."

The little guy faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy
says:
"What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What did you say to me?"
The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give
you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7
feet tall, I weigh 125 kilo, I have a 20 inch dick, and my testicles
weigh 2 kilos each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
"Turn around."

Why I fired my secetary!









Last week was my birthday and I
didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and
say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for
me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to
breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to
the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,

' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ....
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there....

On the couch...

Naked.